| Often, I feel I have no roots, like I don't have anything or anyone that keeps me grounded. I feel isolated and alone and I honestly start to panic. I'm not a homebody, not by any means. I don't get a terrible amount of comfort from being home. It probably has its roots in my mom's decision to move to Fontana almost 4 years ago and leave the last place I truly identified as home. Since then, I've moved a half-dozen times in an attempt to try to find some sort of comfort and identity.
There are nights, while I'm sitting at home, alone, wasting time either on the internet or watching television, that the aforementioned panic sets in. I start thinking about school and how I have never taken positive steps towards finishing. I think about work and how it won't be enough for my needs. I think about my friends and wonder what they see in me, a guy that has potential but never applies himself. I feel like I'll never amount to anything and that I'll waste away, forgotten and alone. I always keep my feelings and thoughts to myself, only divulging certain bits and pieces to my closest friends, but never really revealing myself completely. I keep everything bottled up and because of it, i keep myself isolated.
When I start to feel the panic rising, I start to pray. I reach for my Bible and start to read. I realize that as long as I have Christ, I'll never be alone, I'll never have a reason to feel neglected and alone. Once I am reminded of His comfort and grace, I start to realize that the fear and anxiety that threatens to consume me is absurd.
I am making progress in school. Last year was the first real productive year I have had, and this year looks to be even better. I'll be transfering either at the end of this year or next winter. I have a goal and I have people pushing me toward it.
Work is work, and all I can do is to do the best I can. Usually, my best is very good. I am being guided toward a promotion that might come by the end of the year. I am making a decent wage and if the promotion happens, I'll be making more than I ever have before.
My friends are amazing. Gordon and Eric have been my best friends for years and they are always encouraging and helpful. They're always there for me. Glenn has become more of a friend lately and I'm glad. I love the Hendricksons and consider them to be as good as brothers. Sarah has been a comfort also. I'm glad that her and Gordon found each
other. They compliment each other well and I wish them only the best. I have also become closer to some old friends. Bethany and Emily, both of whom I have known for years but only hung out with sporadically, have come around a lot more. Lizzy, Bethany's younger sister, started to hang out with us this summer and I have become good friends with her. Overall, I think I have a strong group of friends that love and support each other.
My family will always be there for me. My mom calls me every few days to check up on me and make sure I'm doing alright. No matter what I do, I know that she'll be there for me unconditionally, and that's something that I take for granted. My little sister adores me and I know that I should see her more often. Although I don't think I could ever really move back in with them, I know that my mom and my sister will welcome me home with open, loving arms. My dad and I are slowly rebuilding our relationship. I honestly don't know how long it will take or how deep it will be, but I want to make the effort. Whatever he has done or is doing, I know that he loves me. I think that's enough for me to forgive and forge a new relationship with him.
I know that I've made a lot of mistakes. I've let myself fall into an apathetic lifestyle. Over the last year, though, I have taken steps to change. I'm finally on a stable path to a degree and ultimately a career and stable income. I have tried to become more open with my friendships and romantic relationships. I've been trying to see my mom and sister more. Most importantly, I am doing my best to keep a daily appointment with God. I try to read my Bible everyday, and I'm getting better at keeping up with it. I pray whenever I can and I try to set specific times during the day to pray in earnest and with dedicated purpose.
My life isn't as depressing as I make is seem at times. There's always hope, there's always promise. I'm never alone, and I'm grateful.
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| I remember this blog. I used to write in it all the time.
If Sarah's gonna use hers, I think I'm going to use mine.
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